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My world
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Hello again. It's been a while, I know.
And this isn't going to be a happy post. I'm feeling rather empty this Lunar New Year. Most of my relatives have made use of this time of the year to fly off and relax. While many of us still grapple with the visitings. Don't get me wrong, I do feel that it's nice to meet up with your relatives once a year. Not when you're the only silly head who thinks so. Maybe I'm just being naive. My cousin was honest when he said the only thing worth looking forward to was the ang bao, while I look on and feel confused. Anna said it's only normal for me to feel this way, just because I'm getting older. Indeed, to actually work with people more than three years younger deals a big blow when you finally realised that you are. But I did feel happy seeing my grandparents still in the pink of health. Or at least Ah Ma was, considering she's still driving at the ripe old age of 80. While touching the wrinkled hand of my grandfather made my eyes water at how much he has aged, and I remembered how he used those hands to hold on to mine. He is 95. And I don't think he remembers me anymore. I was embraced by the spirit of the Lunar New Year at Chung Cheng, so I'd never expected myself to feel this way. Haikel told me to enjoy myself, but here I am thinking and thinking, thinking so much and I can't help it. I can't help to feel the emptiness that I'm feeling, the painful resolve that I'll never let my wife and kids feel this way, ever. Painful because I can't even carry on a conversation with my beloved father for more than five minutes. Painful because I didn't know much about my mom's childhood till yesterday. What have I been doing all these while? I'd thought living on my own expenses would have been the best thing I could do to lessen the burden on my mom, the best way to show that I love her. dimwit at 2/14/2010 10:22:00 PM |
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